This girl cracks me up. [And always seems to write...

This girl cracks me up. [And always seems to write the things I think.]

MEETING THE PARENTS & SHITTY INTERNET ADVICE

On Thursday, I’ll be flying to Dallas to take part in an ancient relationship ritual known as MEETING THE PARENTS. Dun dun dun. Luckily, I’m pretty confident it will go just swimmingly (barring any inevitable mini-disasters that complement my existence) and I’m very excited to see where Clay comes from and celebrate his 29^th birthday with his family in our home state.

Now with those sweet sentiments out of the way…

Over the past few weeks, friends have given me their solicited and unsolicited advice for the impending occasion, but it didn’t deter me from the (unfortunate) urge to google “tips for meeting his parents,” simply to see what kind of fascinating drivel was on the internet for this particular situation. As expected, I found some of the most insane, inane “guidance” a girl could absolutely never, ever want. So naturally, I’ve taken some of my favorite “words of wisdom” and crapped all over them!

From All Women’s Talk:

Find out about his family before hand. Know if his parents are divorced or if they’re both still alive, know if he’s part of a blended family, a huge house of a joint family or a nuclear one.

Ohhh yes, good call. Definitely make sure they’re alive before you book a ticket to meet them.

From MSN:

Drink in moderation (the night before, too!). If your favorite T-shirt says ALSO AVAILABLE IN SOBER, pay close attention. To your boyfriend’s parents, you are the potential vehicle for grandchildren, and no one likes a drunken mommy.

First of all, where can I purchase that t-shirt? Secondly, Everybody Loves a Drunken Mommy will probably be the name of my second memoir. And lastly, a vehicle for grandbabies?! I’m not just a uterus on wheels, OK? Respect.

From iVillage UK:

Resist all inclinations to lean on your boyfriend, but follow his lead. Observe how relaxed he is and then step up the formality slightly. What might be normal for him (e.g. swearing, eating from the fridge) isn’t for you.

So you’re saying I shouldn’t tell his parents to SHUT THE SHIT UP when they ask me why I’m standing in front of the fridge eating leftovers in my undies? Okay, that’s decent advice.

From About.com:

For the ladies that means no super short skirts, outfits meant for bar hopping, unusual fashion statements or torn up jeans.

But all my outfits are meant for bar hopping. :(

From LovePanky.com:

It’s as if the pressure of your entire life ahead lies on your head. And it gets worse and even scary as the meeting approaches.

Why, thank you for those encouraging words, Reliable Website. This article is going to be supremely beneficial.

You may be nervous, but flirting outrageously with one or both of the parents is probably not the best way forward.

Don’t hit on mom or dad. Got it. Great tip.

Further, try eating all or most of the food served to you. You don’t want to offend your lover’s parents.

Cleaning your plate and stuffing your face even if you aren’t hungry is a great way to show his parents you care!

But again, if you fall short, you’re on a one-way ticket to the door. Therefore balance. You scared yet? You should be.

“Therefore balance” is probably the greatest, most profound non-sentence ever written. I am more scared for this writer’s career than anything else.

From iVillage:

Good luck, and don’t steal the silverware!

What kind of monsters are you people?

From TopDatingTips.com:

Never refuse food and drink. Accept graciously.

Again with the suggestion that I EAT EVERYTHING GIVEN TO ME. Maybe they just want me to be a more well-rounded grandbaby vehicle?

Don’t ever refer to sex and your partner.

In the same sentence? Or ever? This one is confusing.

From CollegeCandy.com:

For us ladies, though, meeting the parents is a different sort of huge. We don’t need to worry about winning anyone over; just throw on a cute dress and some understated makeup (not the sort of thing we wore when we won our boy’s affections, if you know what I’m saying), be polite and sweet, and we’re in.

I know what you’re saying, girlfriend. Thanks for helping out with my packing list. Things to bring: cute dress, lip gloss. Things to leave at home: dignity, personality.

As long as we don’t show up in nipple tassels and kneepads, it’s a walk in the park.

Right, right. More things to leave at home.

From TheHillTopOnline.com:

Ryle also believes in being oneself when meeting the parents. “I would tell them how amazing their son was, when, if, and how he got on my nerves, and the good things I’m doing with my life, [but] I wouldn’t tell them anything too personal,” Ryle stated.

Ms. Ryle is brilliant. Her surefire method for winning over your boyfriend’s parents:

Tell them how amazing their son is.

Tell them exactly when/how/why he gets on your nerves.

Tell them the awesome things you’re doing with your life.

Tell them absolutely nothing else beyond those three things.

Do not ask, “why are you looking at me like that?”

From 234next.com:

As the day drew closer, I began to think about the hairstyle that would perfectly scream “house wife material”…

As the day drew closer, I began to think about the hairstyle that would not scream, just gently whisper “I took a shower today.”

From NaturallyCurly.com:

I can’t tell you how many of my girlfriends and/or matchmaking clients have agreed to meet the parents of someone they’re not even that “into.”

Oh, wow. That seems like time well spent.

Do you want the parents to know you guys met at an S&M bar, on a free online dating site, at a singles party for swingers or at a “Bi-onic” speed dating event for bi-sexual women and the men who love them? If not, you better get your stories straight.

NO fair. Those stories are way better than “meeting through mutual friends at a bar in New York.” :( Change of plans!

In trying times like these it’s good to refer to the Boy Scouts tried-and true-motto, “be prepared.”

Bring condoms!

I believe if topics [like religion, sex, politics] come up you should discuss your views honestly and respectfully. At the end of the day, if the parents are going to hate you, might as well establish that early on and know what you’re potentially getting yourself into.

If they’re going to hate you, might as well get that out of the way at the beginning so you can enjoy the rest of the weekend.

Make sure to pay a lot of attention to the little kids, the neighbors, the geriatrics, and even the family pets.

“It’s strange that Sara’s been spending all of her time with the geriatric neighbors…”

From Yahoo! Questions/Answers:

Just say “Hi Mr. and Mrs. ______ how are you?” and shake their hand. Thats what I did when I met my boyfriend parents for the first time.

BRILLIANT. Problem solved.

From ShiningTrends.com:

First of all, consider simplicity and charisma as your 2 best friends.

“Hey babe, can you have your parents set extra place settings? My two besties Simplicity & Charisma are coming to dinner.”

Don’t smile too much, don’t talk too much, try to say the right words.

Why even bother leaving your house really?

You shouldn’t choose a top with a big cleavage.

I have cleavage, my tops do not. Nevermind that “a big cleavage” is not even English. Please never take advice from this site ever.

From Active-Relationship.com:

Another key to survive meeting his parents is to understand that he is allowed to be critical of them but you are not. … Even if you are just agreeing with what he is saying, he may still be offended by your opinions.

A man? Offended by my opinions? That has never happened. Not worried about this one.

From CNN.com:

There comes a time in every free-wheeling, fun-having relationship where a lady has to suck it up, buckle down and meet the people who spawned her beloved.

What a lovely, fairytale-esque way to put it!

No matter how much your BF’s baby brother is egging you on, refrain from burping the alphabet, doing your “best” Britney Spears impression, telling your absolute favorite dirty joke, and/or demonstrating how you can tie a cherry stem with your tongue. There’s a thin line between entertaining and kinda creepy. Be vigilant.

But those are all my best party tricks. :(

Chances are, if you fake it, they’ll know it.

As long as my boyfriend doesn’t know I fake it, knowwhatImsayinnnn? (KIDDING!)

From YourTango.com:

We added this one in mostly for fun but, sometimes, you can get a sense of what your future spouse might look like with a few grays by meeting his father. If his dad’s a silver fox, add that to your pros list.

And if he’s not, just go ahead and end it now.

From BaggageReclaim.com & here:

Don’t swear even if they do. Even if his parents are dropping the F word like gangsta rappers, don’t feel the urge to make a guest appearance on the record.

But what if it’s in collaboration with a compliment? “FUCK, this meatloaf is so good!” Still no?

You may be able to charm the birds out of the trees but flirting with his dad is likely to be perceived as creepy and overstepping the boundaries.

Not the first time a site has suggested not to flirt with his parents. Seriously. Who do you people take home?

Don’t however come across as clingy girlfriend with a potential to be a bunny boiler.

Well that’s a fun new word I got to look up!

If he’s an assclown, meeting his parents isn’t going to change that.

More importantly: If he’s an assclown, WHY ARE YOU DATING HIM?

From InjuredHearts.com:

Find out as much as you can about his family by asking him questions about them such as: has there been any recent deaths that you could avoid? The last thing you want is to tell them that you want to go diving, only to learn his uncle has just been killed by a shark attack.

HAHHAAHAHAHHAHA. I cannot imagine a more hilarious scenario! I really can’t!

Take a bottle of wine to dinner, but first check with your partner that they drink. They might be recovering alcoholics and you don’t want to get them back on the wagon do you?

I don’t know, kind of?

From 29secrets.com:

Before you know it, you and his parents will have your own inside jokes!

Like that time you got his parents back on the wagon & tried to flirt with them! Good times!!

If you see a chance to tell a hilarious story you know will go over brilliantly, then you go girl.

Finally, someone encouraging me to have a personality!

Don’t over share about that time you two met up for more than just ‘lunch.’

But that is a really sexy story I think the whole family would enjoy!

From CarrieandDanielle.com:

I don’t have much experience with meeting the parents. I married my first real boyfriend, and I met his mother before we were ever in a relationship.
Oh, good. Well then I hope you’re not going to write an advice article about it. Oh, wait.

From HowStuffWorks.com:

If you find yourself getting upset or overwhelmed, there’s nothing wrong with excusing yourself for a quick trip to the bathroom to calm down. Just don’t stay too long!

If you find yourself getting upset or overwhelmed, you’re probably doing it wrong. Besides, trips to the bathroom are better spent texting your friends, checking the status of your Red Wine Mouth and actually using the bathroom.

You’d look ridiculous wearing the same outfit to a backyard pool party that you’d wear to an expensive restaurant…

But what if I wear my formal bathing suit?

If they say something that rubs you the wrong way or even offends you, stay composed and change the subject… you might consider having a pre-arranged word or signal to let him know that you need assistance.

If I tap my foot twice, lick my finger, scratch my nose and say ‘bracelet’… please take me to the doctor.

Your compliments need to be sincere, however. If you lie about loving Mom’s earrings or collection of penguin knickknacks, you might find yourself the recipient of something similar — forcing you to continue the lie.

Frankly, if his mom doesn’t have a collection of a penguin of knickknacks, I’m outta there.

From AssociatedContent:

And if Miss Lily White Ass, the beloved family feline, makes you sneeze, swallow your Zyrtec and nuzzle away.

I promise to love all of your family pets. Really, I will. But I will not under any circumstance love your asshole cat. Sorry I’m not sorry.

If that doesn’t work, use name association tactics. For example, pick a physical feature and associate it to their name. If Derek has dimples, he will now be known as Derek-Dimples (in your head only, though, genius).

“Can you please pass the mashed potatoes, Lazy Eye Larry?” Dammit.

Don’t forget the excessive ooohhing and aahhing over the baby-bath-time pictures, either.

Just don’t say, “Oooohhhh. His little man parts haven’t changed a bit!”

The internet is a wasteland. I couldn’t be more excited about meeting his family. And to everyone who has told me to just “be yourself” (and to the entire cast of Jersey Shore for reminding me to “do you”), thank you.